breaking news

POOH-NAMI HITS NORTHERN RHODE ISLAND
2 are swept away by wave, Residents advised to close windows

PROVIDENCE, RI. A pooh wave of epic proportions hit unsuspecting citizens of Lincoln, Rhode Island at 3:08PM EST on Thursday. Eyewitnesses report that the wave emanated from the diaper of a five-month-old boy.

Two residents, who remain unidentified, were carried away by the golden tidal wave of excrement. A dog was also reported missing.

A 30-year-old Lincoln woman, who declined to give her name, was one of the first responders to the scene. "There was pooh everywhere," she said. "It blew out the left side of his diaper, both up and down. I've never seen anything like it."

Witnesses report an acidic, vinegar-like smell permeating the area. Residents are asked to remain inside with their windows closed until further notice.

"[The infant] had some stinky farts," recalled the woman, who neighbors identified as the boy's mother. "But he'd been farting like that for the last day or so. I didn't really think it was going to come out that quickly. Or smell that bad."

The haz-mat team is focusing their efforts on the boy and his clothes, all of which were covered with pooh. The infant was transported to the bathroom for a full examination and bathing. Laundry relief efforts are underway.

Seismographs had detected movement in the outer crust approximately 22 hours before the pooh-nami hit. Seismic activity increased in scale about a half hour before the event, but scientists failed to predict the scale of the disaster.

"We should have seen it coming," the woman said, shaking her head. "The boy hadn't pooped in two days."